The Importance of Being Pinter

Sketch - performed at Edinburgh Festival by Daryl Boot and Ruth Arnold in the revue ‘Let’s Do Lunch’, by Reece Shearsmith & Maureen Maddox in the touring comedy revue ‘Meat & Two Veg’ and was also performed at a Charity Gala at the Harold Pinter Theatre in London.

Lady Bracknell sits, motionless, facing the audience. Jack enters, stands at the door. Pause. He takes a breath as if to speak. He doesn’t. He walks down-right of LB’s chair and stands by her side.

 JACK                                    

Your daughter. Gwendolyn. She’s ripe. She’s positively bursting. I want her.

LADY BRACKNELL          

Who?

JACK                                    

What?

LADY BRACKNELL          

Who? Who does your business? Who makes you sweat in the night? Gwendolyn? Little Gwendolyn? It can’t be her. She’s a peach. She’s a juicy peach and you’re just a…

 JACK                                    

Careful. Careful now. I knew a girl once…

 LADY BRACKNELL          

What was her name?

JACK                                    

Name? What do you mean name?

LADY BRACKNELL          

What is her name this girl?

JACK                                    

Her name is Rio…

LADY BRACKNELL

Does she dance on the sand?

JACK

I…

LADY BRACKNELL

Are your parents living?

JACK

Living?

 LADY BRACKNELL

(Quickly) Are your parents living?

 JACK                                    

Living?

 LADY BRACKNELL

(Slowly with menace) Are your parents living? (pause)

 JACK                                    

I lost them.

 LADY BRACKNELL          

Lost them? How did you lose both of them? One parent ... yes. But two? Who was your father? Was he a pianist? Did he eat fish? (pause)  When did you last see your Father?

JACK                                    

(slowly, nervously) I think ... I’d like ... a cucumber sandwich.

 LADY BRACKNELL

Have a cigarette.

JACK                                    

I don’t smoke.

LADY BRACKNELL Why not?

JACK                                    

I have a veruka.

LADY BRACKNELL

Who was your father?

JACK                                    

I never knew him.

LADY BRACKNELL

What is your name?

JACK                                    

Jack. I’m Jack but you can call me (Pause) Jack.

LADY BRACKNELL  

(Getting up and advancing on him) Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, kissed the girls and made them cry.

JACK 

(Becoming afraid) Who cried?

LADY BRACKNELL

The girls cried. They all cried. perhaps you made them cry!

JACK

I didn’t. I didn’t.

LADY BRACKNELL

You always make them cry

JACK                                    

It wasn’t me. Why did they cry (Silence) Why did they cry?

LADY BRACKNELL  

(She walks towards him. With each step she bears down on him) Perhaps the postman was rude to them. Perhaps he had a big sack. Perhaps he walked up the big path with a big sack. A sweet sack. A succulent sack. A big, sweet, succulent sack full of  ... letters!  (Pause) (Kindly) Have a cucumber sandwich!

JACK

(In abject terror- gradually he slumps into the chair)  No. No. I was found. (Pause)  I was lost. I... I... I...want a cigarette (He sobs – Pause)

LADY BRACKNELL

Who found you?

JACK                                    

An old man. Thomas Cardew.

LADY BRACKNELL

Where?

JACK                                    

I... I don’t know.

LADY BRACKNELL

What is the secret of the black magic box?

JACK                                    

I… I don’t know

LADY BRACKNELL
What is the secret of the black magic box?

JACK

I…

LADY BRACKNELL
What is the secret of the black magic box?

JACK                                    

They double whip it ... for  creaminess

 LADY BRACKNELL

Who won the war, in 1964?

 JACK                                    

I... I...

 LADY BRACKNELL

How many buns make five?

JACK                                    

Four, no... six... I’m sweating

LADY BRACKNELL

Where were you found?

JACK                                    

I was lost... in France. I’ve been to paradise but I’ve never been to me.

 LADY BRACKNELL

(Slow and loud) Where… were...you...found?

JACK

(Breaking Down) In a handbag! (Pause)

LADY BRACKNELL          

A handbag? A handbag? Big or small? Leather or leatherette? Or perhaps a customised wool worsted with detachable document wallet.

JACK                                    

It had handles

LADY BRACKNELL

Handles.

JACK                                    

Magical handles. Handles to conjure with. Sandalwood handles.

LADY BRACKNELL

Where were they?

JACK 

(Suddenly terrified) What?

LADY BRACKNELL

The handles. Where were they? Where were you?

JACK  

(Sobbing again) Victoria Station, Lady Bracknell.

LADY BRACKNELL

(Very aggressive)  Don’t call me that! Never call me that.

JACK                                    

But it’s your name.

LADY BRACKNELL          

Nobody calls me that! (Suddenly very quiet and polite)  You can call me Harriet.

JACK                                    

Harriet

LADY BRACKNELL

How dare you.

JACK

What? But you said…

LADY BRACKNELL

As for my daughter.

JACK                                    

Yes?

LADY BRACKNELL

Have you touched her?

JACK                                    

What?

LADY BRACKNELL

Have you profaned her with your touch?

JACK                                   

  I…

LADY BRACKNELL

Do you clean your teeth?

JACK                                    

I…

LADY BRACKNELL  

(Building to a crescendo)  Do you know where you’re going to?  Do you like the things that life is showing you? Do You Know? Do You Know? Do You Know? Do You Know?

JACK

Aaaaaaaaaggggghhhh.

LADY BRACKNELL          

If you go near her ... you’ll be sorry. She wouldn’t go near you with a pole. Not for anything. You stink. You’re a package. You’re nothing but a bastard handbag package. What are you?

Jack grips her hand. Tries to speak but cannot, slips to his knees and starts to whimper. LB turns and walks away. Jack’s crying gets louder and becomes a shriek of laughter.

JACK                                    

A handbag! A handbag! A handbag!

BLACKOUT.